State-side

So after being back in the states for a couple days I am just now recovering from the jetlag and yet still emotionally overwhelmed from the trip. I sit here in my warm bed with a sleepy puppy looking up at me with eyes questioning why I am still awake. The past two days back home have served as an interesting adjustment back to American culture and into my typical lifestyle and routine. The fast-paced days filled with bustling traffic and a long list of to-do items seem so normal in this world. I dove right back into work and classes (a week behind classes already I might add). Several times throughout the day I find my mind drifting back East, picturing the memories of friendly shopkeepers, warm lemon tea, smiling faces of syrian colleagues, and dusty ancient cobbled roads that seem so terribly inviting and divine in comparison to home.

So many friends, colleagues, peers etc are asking about my experience and yet so clearly want the minute "shpeal" as opposed to the depth of each story that they justly require. So in two minutes I attempt to poorly sum up the most intense ten days I have experienced abroad - quite the challenge! It is almost frustrating to leave out so much in order to get the point across within the time they have committed their attention.

The responses from people have been encouraging, a coworker said I was just glowing as I spoke about my experience in Syria and my Mom, after looking at the pictures, said my eyes were shining in a way that she knew I was happy. I am encouraged that others back home can see the joy I have and continue to experience in this journey. Several people said they knew I would be back and probably soon, which is true as well. And yet despite all of that positive feedback last night i found myself in tears feeling worthless and without any ability to live a life of meaning. I thought "Who am I to think i can affect any change in this world? If people only knew how broken i am they wouldn't say such nice things. What do I really have to offer anyone else, I am not better no wiser no more complete thant anyone else?" The doubts of my value and abilties were heavy. Yet the words of one dear friend, lifted my heart as I knew he spoke truth about the reality of those doubts and the greatest of God's love and ability to use even the most seemingly unprepared, broken and empty vessels.